The World Cup was a bit rubbish, wasn't it? Set in a brand new continent, it should have been a breathtaking and dramatic feast of footie; a blend of African flamboyance, South American flair, Asian adventure and European know-how. Three games a day for over a week and we had a big screen at work. Wahey!
The atmosphere was set but behind the wail of vuvuzelas substance was generally lacking. There must have been at least half a dozen occasions when I looked at the fixture list and thought, hmmm, that one's going to be a cracker, only to be desperately disappointed.
Portugal v Ivory Coast was probably the worst offender. Two nations that traditionally favour attacking, expansive football were bogged down employing lone strikers and creating virtually nothing for 90 minutes. The Portuguese may have hammered North Korea but that was a nation displaying the tactical awareness and naivety of a Sunday league team. Otherwise, Carlos Queiroz's team showed no ambition whatsoever, epitomised by their second round meeting with Spain, which should have been a mouthwatering clash. How can you have a player like Cristiano Ronaldo in your squad but completely stifle his talent by choking him with a team full of cloggers? That's the opposition's job. As Ronaldo continually threw his arms in the air in frustration during the Spain game, for the first time ever I actually felt sorry for him.
The first day typified the competition. South Africa v Mexico was a belter; end
-to-end drama that deserved more goals. Unfortunately, the bore that was France v Uruguay in the evening totally overshadowed it. Don't get me started on France. Has there ever been a more disgraceful bunch in major competition history? It must have been weird to be an Irish fan or player. On one hand jubilation at Henry and co's humiliation but also fury that they displayed such a lack of desire to be there. Ireland probably wouldn't have gone beyond the group stages either but at least they'd have given it everything.
It wasn't all bad, of course. Japan and South Korea played some lovely stuff, the young Germans were a joy to watch, and Diego Maradona's bonkers antics made the world fall in love with him all over again. Even the English. Maybe. And then there was Ghana. A credit to the competition, they really could have gone all the way, but as soon as Asamoah Gyan fluffed THAT penalty, you knew that was it. I never thought I'd cry after a penalty shoot-out not involving England but the sight of Gyan at the end was too much. I really hope he bounces back.
Perhaps I'm being too harsh. For a start, the new "aero-dynamic" ball was horrendous and clearly too underweight: passes and crosses were overhit, its bounce reacted as if on astroturf, and shooting sent it into orbit seemingly 95% of the time. Why do FIFA complicate things? This is football, loved by practically every country in the world. It doesn't need selling with stupid gimmicks like this.
Then there were the big-name flops. Wayne Rooney looked like he'd just been on a 12-hour warehouse shift before each game, the normally unplayable Lionel Messi was, er, playable and disjointed, Fernando Torres was clearly distracted by his missing locks and hairband, and the aforementioned Ronaldo drowned in a sea of mediocrity.
The issue of seasonal breaks is a cause for debate. In theory a winter break should aid the best players but Germany's Bundesliga actually chose to halve its usual six-week break in order for the season to finish early. It didn't do the national team any harm, though the youth of its squad played a part, and two of its key performers - Lukas Poldolski and Miroslav Klose - ironically benefitted from poor seasons and limited first team action to offer a clean slate and crucial fresh legs.
Accusations of club-over-country are prominent, though in fairness it must have been psychologically as well as physically draining for the likes of Rooney and Messi to lift themselves again after such gruelling campaigns. They may be paid scandalous wages but they have limits.
With South Africa still fresh in our minds, perhaps we should compare it with previous World Cups. Were they all really significantly superior? Are our expectations too high? Arguably no and yes. It certainly doesn't help that since Argentina's compelling 3-2 win over West Germany in 1986 (and I've just refreshed myself on YouTube!), we've been plagued by horrendous finals since.
Despite Gazza's tears, Pavarotti's lungs, Baggio's wizardry, Schillaci's scorchers and Milla's wiggle, Italia 90 ended on a damp squib as the two nations from four years previously kicked each other for 90 minutes in a final neither deserved to win.
USA 94, despite a decent tournament overall, was even worse; the dullest Brazil team in history eeking out an Italian team that had only finished third in their group on penalties. You can tell you're the proudest nation in World Cup history when your own fans shrug and label you boring despite the Jules Rimet returning for the first time in 24 years.
France 98 produced precisely one truly memorable game - Argentina's shoot-out victory over England after a thrilling 2-2 draw - though in fairness the final was genuinely a dramatic affair, if only for the mystery surrounding the health of Brazil's Ronaldo. At least France chose the final to play their best football of the competition.
2002 in Japan and Korea was arguably the best World Cup since Mexico 86; Turkey, Senegal and South Korea gunning down the giants, end-to-end drama, golden goals (why did you get rid of that, FIFA?), a sea of red in the stands, and the edge-of-your-seat stuff that all fans want, even if the quality of the football was lacking at times. Just shame about the final, contested by a Brazilian team considered a laughing stock in the World Cup qualifiers and a German team considered a laughing stock in the World Cup qualifiers.
Germany 2006? Very ordinary in comparison and its final is arguably remembered solely for Zinedine Zidane's infamous headbutt on Marco Materazzi. And that brings us conveniently back to Johannesburg last month.
Perhaps if the Netherlands and Spain had produced the classic final they should have done, we'd be raving about this competition in years to come. As it is, the disjointed and bad-tempered nature of the climax summed up the Finals as a whole, even though it was deservedly won by the most stylish nation in the current game.
But the fact that the third-fourth place play-off between Germany and Uruguay was infinitely better and probably in the top five games of the tournament says it all. Over to you, Brazil...